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This is the one Bible verse that will instantly fix a struggling marriage
- Interviewing my wife, Julie
- The Divine Order
- “Ride or Die”
- Dealing with differences
- Submission
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Transcript:
Gary Aris: Alright guys. Welcome to the show, Finally Alive Radio. I have a guest here with me sitting to my right. Hello guest.
Julie Aris: Hi!
Gary Aris: How are you?
Julie Aris: I’m good. I’m so excited to be here.
Gary Aris: Yeah. As am I.
Julie Aris: Yeah. You didn’t sound very excited there.
Gary Aris: I think I am. I know I am. I am. So, if you’re listening on the podcast or on the radio, obviously you can’t see her. She’s my first guest and she’s my wife.
Gary Aris: Her name’s Julie.
Julie Aris: Best guest, come on
Gary Aris: Okay, yeah.
Julie Aris: I’m just kidding.
Gary Aris: So far, you’re right. So far, you are my best guest. Hand down, I’ve never had such a good guest. So, yeah, you’re totally right.
Julie Aris: I know right. Oh my God, you’re such a nerd. Thank you.
Gary Aris: So, yeah–
Julie Aris: I appreciate it.
Gary Aris: You’re welcome, by all means sweetheart. So, this is my wife Julie and we’re going to talk about a couple different topics. Obviously, the podcast will be a lot longer than the radio show. So, we’ll talk about a couple topics. One main topic obviously is marriage. This isn’t to say that we have the best marriage in the world, and I’m not going to go and claim that but I think we’re a pretty decent marriage. What do you think?
Julie Aris: I think so.
Gary Aris: Is it pretty decent?
Julie Aris: I think, it’s better than decent. I think–
Gary Aris: Better than decent?
Julie Aris: I think so.
Gary Aris: What is better than decent even mean?
Julie Aris: Well because I think we are on the page. So, because we’re on the same page, we’re less likely to argue and fight and all that stuff.
Gary Aris: I going to get– So, I’m going get council on you. What do you mean?
Julie Aris: Oh lord.
Gary Aris: Yeah. we’re going to get councily. What do you mean, we’re on the same page? What does that mean?
Julie Aris: I think we understand each other. Now, if I understand you and you understand me, and you understand my needs and I understand your needs, and in a sense what your list? What your requirements are? Same thing with me then we kind of are on the same page. If we understand one another and we know what we need and what we kind of expect from one another, then it makes life so much easier.
Gary Aris: I like that answer. Yeah, I totally agree. So, we’re opening up to questions. If you do have any thoughts or questions, I would love to hear or even gripes. I would say that. I always tell people, what are your gripes? I want to hear your complaints too. You know why I do that?
Julie Aris: Why? Really. Why do you want to know other people’s complaints?
Gary Aris: I want to know what people thinking. I want to know the good and the bad.
Julie Aris: I guess.
Gary Aris: I think they grow the best that way.
Julie Aris: I think we all do.
Gary Aris: That’s part of the growth, right?
Julie Aris: If you never fail then you’re never going to grow.
Gary Aris: Wise words. Yeah. Very wise words there? Well, I guess we can kind of go into our topic here or quote a verse. What do you think?
Julie Aris: Go ahead. Do it.
Gary Aris: Let me grab here. So, the verse, 1 Corinthians 11:3, and it says, “But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Got that?
Julie Aris: I got it.
Gary Aris: Okay. What you think of that?
Julie Aris: I think it makes sense– It makes sense. It’s order. It’s speaking of order. So
Gary Aris: Well, I guess our question was–we’re starting off with, what is our role, husband and wife? Again, I [unintelligible 00:04:02].
Julie Aris: That was true.
Gary Aris: Yeah. That is true. That’s where we’re going with this. So, I think it’s important to understand what’s my role as a husband and a father, and what my wife’s role is as a wife, and as a mother. Again, this isn’t to say that we are the image of, the picture of what a relationship is. We have our quirks; I think just like anybody else does. So, that’s just to clarify that but then, I always tell people that in counselling and I bring up stuff about us.
Julie Aris: Really, you talk about me in your sessions?
Gary Aris: I totally talk about you.
Julie Aris: Why don’t you tell me you talk about us?
Gary Aris: I can’t tell you that.
Julie Aris: But you’re telling me now.
Gary Aris: I can’t tell you now, but I can’t tell you what we’re talking about, but I can tell you what we’re talking about when we’re talking about you.
Julie Aris: So, why you’re talking about me in the first place?
Gary Aris: Because good examples. One thing I usually tell people is stuff that works in my house may not work in your house. So– because we have our own quirkiness. So, we have our own weirdness.
Julie Aris: And you have your own background, and cultures, and where you came from, and how you were raised and grown. So–
Gary Aris: Yeah. Completely.
Julie Aris: You got to do what’s right for you.
Gary Aris: And that’s important to realize that there’s going to be differences, and are you willing to see those differences and create a bridge is what I usually call it. Finding a way to bridge it and whether that means, we do what Julie says or we do what I say, or do we find some way to–
Julie Aris: Meet in the middle.
Gary Aris: — meet in the middle. That’s kind of the best way to put it. I think it’s easier said than done sometimes—what are we’re stubborn about. I’m probably stubborn than you are; I think I’m more. I’ll take it. I’m the one who’s a lot stubborn. So–
Julie Aris: Probably I don’t know. I’m pretty easy going. I mean, I roll with the punches unless– I don’t know.
Gary Aris: Yeah. I don’t know. We don’t know.
Julie Aris: I really don’t know.
Gary Aris: So, starting off with, what’s your role? How do you interpret how you see your role as a wife? Or should I start?
Julie Aris: Start, you’re the man.
Gary Aris: You want me to go… So, I guess as a husband I want to obviously be the leader of the house. That doesn’t mean I don’t listen to suggestions or thoughts or recommendations from my wife. In fact, I would want to know what she’s thinking, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to choose what she wants you suggested. What’s your take on that?
Julie Aris: I think that’s right, but I think you have an overall view of it. You kind of have– let’s say, a goal in mind and sometimes what you say will work and sometimes it won’t. I mean, I have to be okay with what he says. I mean even if I’m not okay with it, then we’ll make it work.
Gary Aris: Yeah. Exactly we’ll do our best I [unintelligible 00:06:56] right?
Julie Aris: Right.
Gary Aris: Can you think of something that I’ve–you’ve recommended, and I messed up, I missed it or I just something?
Julie Aris: Probably tons. I’m just saying.
Gary Aris: Probably like one or two.
Julie Aris: Oh gosh. No. Probably a lot. I’m just saying.
Gary Aris: We don’t really even introduce kind of– our background or history.
Julie Aris: No you didn’t.
Gary Aris: That’s pretty sad. were horrible hosts.
Julie Aris: We are. We’re terrible.
Gary Aris: Okay. So, we’ve–
Julie Aris: Do you want to backtrack and do that first?
Gary Aris: Yeah. So, we’re backtracking. Married 11 years, let’s start there. 11 years and perfect marriage?
Julie Aris: No.
Gary Aris: No. Yeah exactly. But–
Julie Aris: I don’t think anybody can have a perfect life, marriage etc. It is what it is.
Gary Aris: Totally my point. It was– ups and downs road. Bumps in the road. All sorts of things.
Julie Aris: I think so. Lots of bumps in the road.
Gary Aris: Disagreements.
Julie Aris: I mean, disagreements, job changes, kids. It’s a big change. I mean, that’s really life-changing. Yeah, 100%. So–
Gary Aris: Totally agree. That I think– that changed our relationship. That’s probably–
Julie Aris: I think so. I think it changed our like dynamic.
Gary Aris: Big time.
Julie Aris: Yeah, because I think we– instead of being like the careless, fun whatever. Let’s go out whenever we wanted. We kind of completely changed. I mean it would be, “12 o’clock Oh, I’m craving whatever; let’s go get it’. We can’t do that anymore.
Gary Aris: We can’t do that anymore
Julie Aris: Yeah, and then dealing with crying babies or waking them up. Yeah. That’s not going to happen.
Gary Aris: Yeah. So, good luck that, but that said, I think it’s– at least for me, I think it’s matured me. I think it’s helped me see things.
Julie Aris: grew up big time.
Gary Aris: It will help you see you through of life in a whole different way. I have to say, you start to see what your parents would tell you. So, but it’s interesting.
Julie Aris: Yeah, when you are told, I sound like my mother or whatever the case is. It’s true it happens. Especially after you have kids, because I mean, you see exactly what they meant when they were telling you as kids. So, it really changes everything. Even your perspective on your parent’s changes.
Gary Aris: 11 years married. Ups and downs. Again, I will make this very clear, we’re not like the model couple. Were just another couple who’s just trying to make this work. I think just like anybody else’s and here we are trying to make it happen. But I guess the main question is–
Julie Aris: Why is it working?
Gary Aris: Why is it working? But it’s also 10 years– I hate to say– this is actually embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to say this but anything over 10 years is, “Wow. I can’t believe that–”
Julie Aris: I know that is crazy. This– I mean generation– we’ve made it 11 years married and we were together two and a half years’ prior that. So, thirteen years we’ve been together, and when people hear how long we’ve been married or whatever the case, they’re like, “Really? That’s amazing. You deserve an award”. I’m like–
Gary Aris: It’s like an award.
Julie Aris: For what?
Gary Aris: Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? I thought that’s part of, “Richer or poorer” that whole–
Julie Aris: Yeah. It’s your vow.
Gary Aris: It’s part of the Covenant. Isn’t that the covenant? So, I’m just a little confused about that. Then on the other hand they– I get it there are some situations where it’s more difficult than others. I mean I get to hear them here, and they’re like, “Oh, jeez”. I’ve talked about this on the show, about divorce; How much I hate it but– it’s a necessary evil. I hate to say that. I hate to say– even as a minister, as a Christian to have to say that. I think it’s a necessary evil and it should be like the last resort for anybody. So, what keeps us? What is keeping us together here? This is going to sound so cheesy. Sweetheart, what’s our secret?
Julie Aris: I think it’s not really a secret. I think it’s a foundation. When you have a good foundation, then you’re going to build your house correctly in a sense. So, what is our foundation? I think is probably the proper question.
Gary Aris: I love the segue. Let’s kind of start off with how we got into church ministry and all that. So, right after we get married we come back from our honeymoon. I get this inkling because I had a friend who would invite me to church. For a year straight, I didn’t bother going. So, one day I think I’m going to do God a favour. As if you can do God a favour. And off I go. We go to our honeymoon. We come back, and I got this inkling, “Hey! Let’s go to church”. What was your take? I remember?
Julie Aris: Oh my goodness. For me our background church wise was– we grew up in like an Armenian Orthodox Church. So, it was very– what’s the word? Cold? like ritualistic kind of thing. So, you walk in and the second the doors open, everybody turns and looks kind of thing. So, I’m like– we went like every year Easter Sunday. We weren’t even religious enough to like to go every Sunday, but we went to church once a year. It was just so strange for me. I’ve known you for how long in this all the sudden come out of nowhere, and I’m like– I really don’t want to go, and I didn’t tell him this because I’m newly married. I’m scared of what he’s going to tell me. So, I didn’t say anything. I said, “Okay. Let’s go”.
Gary Aris: Yeah. That was never part– God was never a part of my plans, ever, ever, ever. I had way, way other plans and apparently, that wasn’t God’s plan. Thank God. So, God chose us, and that’s the correct order by the way. Let’s get this right. God chooses you. You don’t choose God. I don’t think anybody is that smart to go out of their way to choose God. That’s just my take on it, but that it. So, here’s God. He finds us. Pulls us in. Brings us to a church and–
Julie Aris: And It’s funny. When we went to the church, we went to the wrong time.
Gary Aris: We went to the wrong service. My friend told me about a certain service and we went to the wrong service. So, I guess we’ll talk about this too really quick.
Julie Aris: Oh yes.
Gary Aris: We really going into all this stuff [unintelligible 0:13:17.2] but it is what it is. We go to the wrong service but the associate pastor for the service I was supposed to go, was preaching that day, who would have thought. So, if I would have gone to that service, the wrong service and stayed there, I may have never– I don’t know, maybe we would never have been here doing this stuff. I don’t know.
Julie Aris: I mean; do you see how funny it is? God knew we were going to mess up and–
Gary Aris: He came through.
Julie Aris: He really did. He made it so that we went to the right church. You know?
Gary Aris: Right.
Julie Aris: Even in our driving around and not being able to find the church and getting there at the wrong time. We still made it to where we were supposed to be.
Gary Aris: So, [unintelligible 0:14:04.2] that’s where God kind of grabs us, and I think that became our foundation as we got married. I think we went to church like a month after we got married or something like that.
Julie Aris: Yeah.
Gary Aris: A month-ish after we got married. We’ve been there ever since. Thank God. God blessed us. But that helped us. I mean we– I think we had an idea of what order was. I mean we came out of cultures that have that kind of– you know?
Julie Aris: Yeah
Gary Aris: Right. so–
Julie Aris: Yeah, and I think– I mean ultimately, we had good homes. We had good parents. We– our parents are still together.
Gary Aris: Thank God.
Julie Aris: We had good foundations and we knew– I mean me growing up, whatever Dad says goes. So, we kind of had that foundation to start with.
Gary Aris: So, we had a pretty decent foundation. I think– for me at least, going to– I mean, you tell me what you think. I went to church hearing the foundation. It was weird. I’m like, “Oh my gosh. I feel like a kind of live some of this”, and then just kind of hearing almost like the formula to it, which is right out of the Bible. That wasn’t kind of mind-blowing for me because I didn’t have to do that much changing. So–
Julie Aris: I think it all kind of just made sense and it wasn’t out of the ordinary of– our lives are ready.
Gary Aris: Right. Exactly. Just happy about that. I think that’s what we really have to– I guess that’s our point here is, that our foundation ended up being God. I hate to say it that way, but it ended up being God and building our foundation on God. We’ve done our best. So, whether it’s ministry. Whether it’s showing up to church as simple as that, going to church or whatever else God is kind of put on our plate. We’ve tried our best to do that. Now, what’s your thoughts?
Julie Aris: I agree. I mean, we just kind of rolled with the punches in a sense.
Gary Aris: Did you ever feel like it was tough? I mean, what was your take on whether it was ministry or church?
Julie Aris: I don’t ever feel like it was. I mean, I kind of had that mindset of “ride or die chick”. So–
Gary Aris: I like that by the way.
Julie Aris: –I mean it is what it is. I mean it– once I took that vow, I’m committed to you. So, because I was committed to you, then whether it was good or bad or ugly or it didn’t matter. I’m going to support you in whatever your decisions are.
Gary Aris: I love the way you put that. Ride or die chick. I think– that is like– if we can frame that. That’s it right there. That’s the best way I can put it because I’m kind of maybe skipping a few steps forward here, but that’s in a sense what man is supposed to be for Christ, “Ride or Die”. “Ride or Die Guy”. Do as he ask; do what he wants you to do, and that’s– we’re mimicking that in for– how do we put that? From Christ to me, but for me to you as my wife. So, any thoughts?
Julie Aris: Yeah, I mean our kids are going to do the same thing too. So–
Gary Aris: We just do our best with the kids of course. It’s tough though
Julie Aris: Oh, yes. Especially when you have a boy.
Gary Aris: Right. Got it. He’s something else. So again,1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God”. So, we have our order. We have God, Christ, man and wife. I’ve preached about this. What is your take on you being– you as the woman’ you’re the woman right? Yes, definitely the woman.
Julie Aris: I hope so at least.
Gary Aris: You’re definitely the woman. What is your take on showing up last on that roster? We have God, Christ, man, and woman.
Julie Aris: Honestly, I don’t mind it one bit because the pressure is completely off of me. I mean, it’s kind of selfish, but whatever happens, it’s your fault. It is what it is.
Gary Aris: Best way to put it.
Julie Aris: I mean simple enough.
Gary Aris: and I’ve heard that argument. So, what is God trying to say, like we’re last or what is the Bible trying to say or what is the preacher trying to say, like “Oh I’m a woman, so I’m last– I’m last place”. I think that’s the answer right there. It’s not so much that your last place. Lucky you, you don’t have to go before God one day, and actually answer for everything wrong you did wrong within the family. So, I think that’s a huge piece to this. Totally, I mean, and I don’t think it’s selfish at all. I think that’s wholly correct in the sense that you don’t have to worry about what happens in the end really, as long as you’re that– like you said, ride or die chick, you’re good. You’re good, it’s golden, and that’s God’s order for.
Julie Aris: It goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Like not necessarily agreeing on what– our decisions. So, if I don’t really agree with you and you go– my recommendations versus if you don’t take my recommendation, in the end, it doesn’t really matter. Like–
Gary Aris: Right. Now, what if I don’t take your recommendation, even though you were right, and it totally goose or something bad happens.
Julie Aris: It is what it is. I mean, I’m here regardless and you should be too. It’s a relationship. It’s not going to be perfect. So, I think–
Gary Aris: What would be the healthy– I always like to go to the extreme. I guess that’s just the way my brain works, but what would be the extreme cases? An extreme case is usually like 3% to 5% to five percent. Maybe 10% at best. At what point do you say, “Okay. There is always so much I can submit”, and this is from your perspective as a woman? So, I’m not putting you on the spot here. At what point do you say, “Okay. Enough is Enough. It’s too much. We’ve gone too far?” [unintelligible 0:19:56.4].
Julie Aris: I think honestly, that point in my book would be something as extreme as abuse or–
Gary Aris: Extremes.
Julie Aris: Extremely like constantly cheating or this or that. You can forgive so much, but then once it’s no longer a healthy relationship, that’s when it’s not really a relationship. You’re no longer following your foundation or God’s footsteps. Your kind of–
Gary Aris: Right. Yeah. Totally. So, we just have to do our best with that. So, that’s said– did I explain what my role was?
Julie Aris: No.
Gary Aris: Did I go into that? I don’t remember.
Julie Aris: Yes. No. Possible. Do it again. Just–
Gary Aris: Yeah, okay. As my role as being the husband. I think I did.
Julie Aris: I think you did.
Gary Aris: Did I? I’ll just do it again because I want you– I want to hear your side of this. So, I’m the husband. I’m supposed to be Biblically the leader of the house, which means that in the end, I guess I make the decision, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to hearing what–
Julie Aris: That doesn’t mean I don’t have any say in what you do, because I may be looking at it from a different perspective. If I say– we’re going to a destination and I know the roads better than you, but you want to go the road that has construction and I’m like no go this way.
Gary Aris: That’s a good point. So, we’re driving, and you know the area. Maybe you grew up in that area. So, you’ll know that area better than I would perhaps. Does that mean no I’m submitting to you because I’m listening quote and unquote to your voice?
Julie Aris: But I don’t think that’s submission. I think that’s just communication.
Gary Aris: Good point. So, see this is this is the difference. I’m still the leader– I still get to be the leader; the husband of this family, but because I know she has better expertise or she does know this part better. Well, guess what I’m going to listen to her, not because I’m submitting to her, but rather– no. Okay. She knows what she’s talking about here. You take the reins. I’ll let you all– for example– I’ll give another example, check books. right?
Julie Aris: Mm-hmm.
Gary Aris: Let’s say she’s better at money management than I was? I think I’m better.
Julie Aris: You probably are, but okay.
Gary Aris: Let’s say she was. What if I just gave her the reins to– and we’ve done that. I’ve let you– I’ve let her handle the check book before, and it wasn’t– nothing bad happened, but even I let her take control of the money. Oh, does that mean I’ve lost control? I don’t think so, because we still discuss, hey, how much should we portion or to whatever bill or whatever we had to take care of? So, I think it worked well. So, but again it’s a team effort, there right?
Julie Aris: I agree.
Gary Aris: So, you as the wife what is your role? How do you see that?
Julie Aris: I mean, biblically speaking, your helpmeets. So, whatever you need help with I’m kind of there. I’m the glue of the family I think. I kind of keep everybody in line and together, and I take care of everything and more.
Gary Aris: What does that mean?
Julie Aris: Whether it’s cleaning the house, cooking, driving kids around, anything kid duties, anything husbands duties, whatever you need. Not only physical like cleaning the house, doing this, doing that, it’s– I mean, whatever he needs. Even if it’s– anything.
Gary Aris: Why is why do you feel like that is so hard for people now? I feel like just– I mean what you just said sound so anti
Julie Aris: Simple.
Gary Aris: –this age. Yeah. Okay, but it also sounds very anti– this generation here.
Julie Aris: Because I think this generation is in a sense selfish. They’re– it’s all about them. I don’t think that it’s hard for this generation, and maybe I’m wrong, but a lot of this generation I’ve noticed grew up in fatherless homes. So, they don’t really know how to respect authority. They don’t know how to respect elders, adults, mothers, fathers, they haven’t really learned that because a lot of this generation is a product of young kids.
Gary Aris: Right. So, then that– I guess again here’s– it’s funny we were talking about this earlier. We’re probably going to segue into things that were kind of segued into. So, then the chances of someone who is coming out of a broken home, they probably don’t have– whether it’s the education or knowledge of what to do or how to do what they need to do it kind of thing.
Julie Aris: I think so.
Gary Aris: So, that said, I guess it would be fair to say that they’re not a hopeless case, but rather– that almost means like you almost have to be reprogrammed– it almost whatever you learned has to be rechecked, re-evaluated to make sure you have– or the chance of being hired for your relationship to be a success. Is that fair to say?
Julie Aris: I agree.
Gary Aris: So, something to be aware of because I guess I want to get the point across that it isn’t hopeless all because I agree with you. I agree with– even though they come out of a broken home– that always doesn’t mean that you’re going to– the next generation is going to be hopeless, and they can’t make it, or something like that.
Julie Aris: Well, I mean, look at it in this way, say you’re working for Edison for eighteen years, and then you figure out like, there’s a lot of missing steps or portions or whatever and I’m going to go get a new job. Well, you can’t just hop into a new job without being trained properly. You have the basis. Maybe it wasn’t right, or some things weren’t like the way it should be, but your new company is going to train you up to do what’s right in that company. So, sort of the same but not really.
Gary Aris: Yeah. Well, you know that’s a great way I think of looking at it. If you don’t know how it works, then what do you think is going to happen? It’s the chances of it failing is a lot higher than it’s not. Right. So, that’s totally makes sense.
Julie Aris: I rather fail and be corrected, than fail and fail. You know what I mean?
Gary Aris: 4 Which goes back to the original verse– the roster if you will, the– what they call this is the Divine Order. God, Christ, man, and wife. If we can understand that– and again this is the other weird part, and you’ve probably seen this just as much as I’ve seen it. Even that gets kind of weird in the extreme, where the guy granted he’s the leader, but they turn it into this almost like she’s a slave kind of idea, which I guess I can understand from a 2500-year-old perspective, but then even in the New Testament, they had slaves but they separated like the Greeks. They would separate the wives if they were so much slaves– actually had their own voice at this point. What’s your point? What’s your take? Does that make sense?
Julie Aris: Well, I agree. I think we can’t apply culturally what was happening back Bible ages to now. It’s a different culture. We don’t– I mean look at US, we don’t have slaves. That’s some– really doesn’t apply anymore. We can take what applies, but not everything is going to apply to us in– I mean not– you know what I mean.
Gary Aris: I guess in a nutshell is– I want to clarify that when I’m giving that the roster- the divine order; God, Christ, man, wife that doesn’t mean all because a wife is all the way at the bottom means that she has to be stepped on, and not to be respected. Even biblically speaking you respect her as you respect your own bodies is what the Bible says. So, I think– I just want to a good healthy balance, where we all know our roles, but that doesn’t mean you’re beneath if you will. If that makes sense. I don’t know [unintelligible 0:28:28.8].
Julie Aris: Yeah.
Gary Aris: So, why is it important to get married? Sweetheart, why is important to get married?
Julie Aris: I think there’s a lot to it. I don’t think it’s just get married, to get married, which a lot of people– that’s why you see a lot of divorces because people are getting married to get married, and that’s not necessarily right.
Gary Aris: Getting married to get married. What does that mean?
Julie Aris: Just because they think it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know– If you’re not ready to get married and if you’re not on the same page then what’s the point of getting married? I’ve had so many friends like personal friends, that even throughout their entire relationship and their entire marriage wedding planning, they were arguing and fighting the whole time. What makes you think the second you sign a piece of paper that you are no longer going to fight?
Gary Aris: That’s a good point.
Julie Aris: That’s what a lot of people think. There’s that mentality thing I think.
Gary Aris: I think of it as like the Disney picture. It’s like the princess. Everything seems to end up feelings based. The guy tends not to care less. They couldn’t care less about the wedding or getting married. It’s funny.
Julie Aris: Trust me I know.
Gary Aris: It’s funny because guys, we look at marriage as, “Oh my gosh. It’s the shackles and I’m in shackles now”, where she tends to look at it — this is just my experience.
Julie Aris: Your fairy tale.
Gary Aris: Fairy-tale wedding. The Disney wedding. Everything’s very fairy-tale. Now, think about what that does in the big picture of things. I mean, that only helps us understand why divorce is huge out there. I mean it what 50%, 60% sixty now. So, it’s pretty ridiculous. Your thoughts?
Julie Aris: I think because people get married for the wrong reasons. I think marriage– back to the question. Why is it necessary? Why is it important? Biblically I think it is, and then to have babies.
Gary Aris: And then to have babies. I like it.
Julie Aris: And then to have babies.
Gary Aris: So, here’s why it gets technical. So, this is the difference between my wife and I, and this our opposites. I get very technical. I get weird. So, here’s the way I look at it is, marriage is not just a cultural, a society thing.
Julie Aris: Took an image of Christ.
Gary Aris: Totally. It’s a spiritual thing. It’s wholly a spiritual thing. It starts off with God and why he makes man and woman. He separates man from woman. Bringing the two together gives you the picture of God if you will. So, there’s the image of God for you. So, there’s a spiritual realm there but then that transfers into this natural flesh realm, which– and then in the big picture here’s this whole society and government if you will. It’s a society if we have broken– statistically– if we have broken– more broken marriages, we tend to have higher crime rates, a lot more mental health issues, drug issues, murder rates, sky high, but that’s broken homes. When versus homes that are broken [unintelligible 00:31:52].
Julie Aris: No. I agree. It’s big time. It has like a– Yeah.
Gary Aris: Yeah. Okay. Why not just one to raise a child? When–
Julie Aris: Because you need both. You need both aspects. Mom can’t be both mom and dad. That’s just hands down. You don’t have that aspect of it. When God created Adam how did he make woman? He took the rib out of man; the woman aspect and created and formed Eve. So, you do need both because again, like you had mentioned. You need both to create that image of God. So, you can’t do it on your own. Not only you can do it on your own because you don’t have both aspects, but yet you can’t do it on your own because you can’t do it on your own. It’s hard. I mean, there’s no way any one person can raise a child on their own.
Gary Aris: Yeah. That’s a good way of putting it together there. Why– I guess that’s the question is why? I’ll give you my take on this and you can you give me yours. I think you have different qualities as a woman, just simply as a woman than I do. I’m not going to see life, I’m not going to see things the way you would versus– and vice versa. So, I think that’s the biggest problem.
Julie Aris: Not only that either. You have different parts. You as a woman know how a woman works. Imagine him dealing with my daughter on specific issues. Yeah. It’s not going to happen. How are you going to do that? That’s why you have both. Let’s get technical here. Boys I can’t stand and pee, and just as simple as it is, I can’t show my son that. That’s where he comes in to play. I mean as simple as that. We need both sides.
Gary Aris: Absolutely. It’s the image of God. It’s right there, man and woman and to be– in the end, it’s also teaching. But it’s also the balance. I mean guys have a certain way of dealing with things. We tend to be the fixer. We tend to be all those kinds of things. Women tend to be the nurturers. They tend to be the better helpers.
Julie Aris: But then let me jump in really quick. Now, having both mom and dad shows that child how to respect and treat a woman versus a man.
Gary Aris That’s a good way to look at it too.
Julie Aris: I mean, how is child going to know how to respect a man or respect a woman without seeing it in action, and especially in your own home.
Gary Aris: It starts in the house. I totally agree. It starts in the house, and that’s the most important thing. I’ve made this argument before, it’s not so much of fixing their country. It’s more about us fixing our home. If we can fix our home– because number one starts with you. If you work on yourself– and how do you work on yourself? Go to God. How do you go to God? Go to church. Get connected to God somehow, some way. Get connected to your pastor. Be a part of the fellowship of being with other Christians. Very important. Get that settled and then once it gets into a relationship, that’s important. It would be ideal for both of you to go to church obviously. Now, in some cases, it’s not always the case. We get that. Let’s just be clear about that. With that said, if we can get the family unit on par, on the right track, on God’s track if you will. The chances of the country becoming a better country, a stronger country, is only going to– it’s going to skyrocket. It’s only going to get better and better.
Julie Aris: The people within a country are good and have a good foundation, and they’re strong, and they know a path that they’re to take. Then why wouldn’t that country be good?
Gary Aris: Exactly. The chance of it is way higher. That’s the– clarify. I also want to touch on those who are divorced. I think that’s a fair– all because we’re married doesn’t mean– and also–
Julie Aris: It’s one way or the highway. No. It doesn’t work that way.
Gary Aris: Well, but here’s the thing– yeah exactly– you’re right. It doesn’t work that way. I think we should talk about people who are divorced, and maybe moms who are dealing with this on their own. I know many of them and it’s heart-breaking. A lot of them didn’t choose it. That’s the funny thing. Some may have but not all of them did. So, with that said is– let’s not neglect the divorced. There’re single mothers, single fathers out there, who didn’t choose that route. So, that said, sometimes it isn’t your fault unfortunately. Sometimes, you have to leave the situation because of kind of what Julie was saying about the extremes. Maybe they–
Julie Aris: Or sometimes you even had a passing; you’re a widow.
Gary Aris: Good point.
Julie Aris: 00:36:59 Like [unintelligible 00:36:59]. You don’t know what you’re going to face tomorrow. So, I mean sometimes it’s out of our hands, but–
Gary Aris: So, with that said. I guess my point with what I’m bringing up is, all because you’re not married doesn’t mean you’re out of the will of God. It doesn’t mean you’re going to hell. it doesn’t mean you necessarily a bad person. I want to clarify that. All that means is look at the didn’t work out for you. It could be a various– many things. Like we said, maybe you didn’t know any better that can happen. Maybe the person changed. Maybe the person got into drugs, alcohol, horrible things and you had to leave. I hear those stories all day. So–but all that to say is, you’re not out. That doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just doesn’t. You’re still in God’s– you can still be in God’s will. So, let’s not X that part out. That said, we’ll pray for you. We’re going to keep you in prayer. Well out after we’re done here, we’ll definitely pray for you guys, because this is an important piece. It’s definitely important. 50% to 60% of the country is divorced then– that might be you. We might be talking about you. So, if you were going to get married, look hope is not done. Hope is not gone. All right, if you’re a believer God is going to take care of you. You’re still you still will have a chance all right We will keep you in prayer, but it has to be God’s timing and that’s the hardest part about all this, is that all because I’m not getting what I want right now. Doesn’t mean God is a listening.
Julie Aris: But then, you also have to realize that God isn’t going to put you through something that you can’t handle. Maybe it’s a specific time in your life that he’s going to use to help you grow to be stronger. So, you never know why you are going through what you’re going, but don’t think that it’s always for the bad. You think the outcome usually is for the good, it’s for strengthening you.
Gary Aris: Submission? What you think about submission?
Julie Aris: Yes Sir. I’m kidding.
Gary Aris: Okay. All right. Do you guys have any thoughts? Do you guys have any questions? What you guys think of this? Was this fun? Was this boring?
Julie Aris: Yeah. Give us your feedback. Do you want to see me go on this guy’s show more often?
Gary Aris: We can definitely do that if you guys think this was a good show. Or even topics– if you guys can think of topics we can kind of tag team. I’m up for that too.
Julie Aris: What do you guys have questions about that isn’t getting answered? We can answer for you. Make sure to follow Finally Alive Counselling Ministries on Facebook.
Gary Aris: Thank you. On that note.
Julie Aris: There’s your plug.
Gary Aris: Thanks for the plug. This was pretty fun topic Oh, awesome.
Julie Aris: Thank you.
Gary Aris: From Cynthia. Very cool. So, yeah. This was our first time and you guys saw us kind of fumbling with stuff so–
Julie Aris: Like I-Phone is awesome. Just saying. You need an I-Phone.
Gary Aris: This is something we disagree on. Do you see?
Julie Aris: Yeah, but do you see how mine is better in yours not quite?
Gary Aris: Yeah. So, that’s, that. I guess we’ll shut it down here and-
Julie Aris: I think so.
Gary Aris: That will go on and maybe we’ll do this again We’ll see. So, until next time guys. Thank you, guys, so much for watching. Let us know your thoughts.